I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
