I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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