I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
