I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
