really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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