I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
