i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize