Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
