will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
