glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
