Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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