My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
