haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
