mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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