i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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