i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
