she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
