omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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