I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
