I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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