My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize