Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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