then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
