today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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