Girls should come with a carfax report
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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