Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize