im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
