I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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