Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
