I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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