I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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