Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
