Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
