Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
