...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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