Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
