I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
