come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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