Too much gin, very little bucket
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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