i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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