Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
