Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
