a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Pooping to opera.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize