3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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