dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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