There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So much rum. So many feels.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
