Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
