If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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