Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I had to cum in my sink.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize