I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
