that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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