how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
