Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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