remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
