I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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