i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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