Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
