I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
