I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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