do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
They have beer where we have blood.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
