i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This is my gift to your gina
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
