I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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