...so i touched it.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need water and some morals
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
