dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
