your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
