i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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