I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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