I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize