Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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