I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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